i have lost count of how many sessions of wailing and crying and whining i've gone through. i dont know how to get rid of my depression. i dont know how longer i'll have to go thru this. this agonizing period seems to be stretching on for evermore. i want to go. 'there'. 'THAT' place. i know a change of evironment will help. oh but i'm not entitled to it, am i? hmm. NOT. sometimes my depression is overpowered by anger and frustration. one second i'm ok, the next, i've flown into a rage. i cant sleep at night. so i keep staring at the ceiling, with my head thinking furiously...
"HELLO, this is NOT the way you look at things. if you don't have something you want, QUIT whining, for God's sake. turn towards your CREATOR, the Almighty God. knock, and it will be open to you. but you can't BOTHER to knock at His door, can you? then YOU are to blame. just STOP complaining and blaming and lamenting over your bad luck, FIND a way out. face it; this is going to be how it is... until you choose to change it. you CAN, if you want. yes."
this is just a fraction of what my conscience screams to me at night. and i am ashamed to admit that in the morning, everything's back to how it was and i again commence my usual ritual of whining, complaining, blaming, cursing my luck and so forth.
i think of matilda. though she is completely the product of roald dahl's imagination, i still idolize her. she is an inspiration for me. lets see. she was what, five maybe, when she hopped off to the library, all by herself, and studied EVERYTHING! on her OWN! God... geometry, literature, science, general knowledge, the little girl knew it all. and how could i forget, she had her own family strictly against her. then i compare her to yours truly... the result's not a big surprise. i'm almost triple matilda's age, and i still can't summon the courage to make a simple phone call to the nearest library and ask what i need to, let alone GOING there. D:
then i think of susan boyle... she was just an unknown, unimportant spinster who lived with her cat in the suburbs of Scotland (right?)... and then she opened her mouth in Britain's Got Talent, and turned into a megastar overnight. now her sales are rocketing high and she has the record of the highest debut album sales in the history of Britain. she needed a breakthrough, she saw it, she availed it... and now look where she is.
i dream of such success too. that is so foolish of me, i know. you dont achieve success only by dreaming, you have to work towards it. only if i get some inspiration enough to set me alight, and only if i get rid of my LAZINESS, maybe i could also be there someday. LOL. ^_^ (no, i havent lost it. LOL again)
so, to sum up... hell, i dunno what to say. :S
anyway, this post i wrote only to let everything bottling up inside me out. i am very well aware of the fact that it doesnt make much sense, if any at all. and yes, the grammar and punctuation is this way because i dont bother about these things when i'm writing to soothe myself.
one last thing... i just went through this post.. it makes me scared to think how you might perceive me after reading it. D: D:
do I even need to post it?
GOOOOOD im sooooooooooo confuseddddd D: D:
7 pleasant surprises:
oO. Lost, aren't we? Hang in there. You'll find a way out.
The title could've been something like, I'm BACK with a RANT! :p~. Kidding.
You know what Maheen, I actually like that title. Going to change it. =P
haha! :P~
You, little girl, need to do something constructive for a change. Get busy, the famous philosopher Sean Paul said.
Ouch, Kasana. Yes I know I should.
$:
and...WHO told you I'm a little girl? D:
Your words.
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